come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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