he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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