Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
