i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
