that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
