The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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