two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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