dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
