It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
