you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
