the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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