70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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