I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
