we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
