you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
