On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish you could order shots online.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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