i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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