Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You've changed since you got that strap on
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
