please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
