if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
