so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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