just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
