I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
