and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
