I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
