I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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