capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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