This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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