White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
