I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
BRING THE BAGELS
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
