ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
