do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
