So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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