i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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