did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
