It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
