Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
