we have pet lesbian snakes
I understand Curling. That high.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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