I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
