I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
