Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
