I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
