I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
