WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
