Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
