I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
