She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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