If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
