I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
