Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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